NoArmsJames For President!

First, I’d like to congratulate Barack Obama on officially being the Democratic Candidate for President of the United States. This is truly an historic day, as the first African American is in serious contention for the highest office in the land.

I’m writing today to officially announce my candidacy for President Of The United States…in 2016.

I feel that since I don’t have any “political experience” or “millions of dollars” the time to get started is now. I may not “know what’s best” for this country, or have your “best interests” at heart but I’ll make a damn fine President. Let me outline some of my policies below.

• The more money you make, the higher your taxes will be. The wealthy are too greedy. The poor need help. ’nuff said
• I will increase money to fund domestic social services to help those who really need it. At the same time I will increase investigations into fakers and fraudsters. Being fat will no longer be considered a disability.
• Evolution will be the only thing kids learn in school. No “Intelligent” Design, no Creationism.
• I will reduce the violence on TV, but increase the titties on TV.
• No sex scandals! I’m single, and probably will be once elected. Right now Brittney Spears gets a good idea more than I get laid. Once I’m President though, bitches will be lined up around the block. It’ll be a pussy buffet, and I’m hungry. By making you aware of this now, it won’t be a scandal when some barely legal pop star leaves the White House with a Russian Tattoo on her cheek.
• I will solve the Israel-Palestine issue in one meeting. I don’t know how just yet, but I will.
• I will legalize gay marriage.
• I will send gays to Iran. I was deeply saddened to learn that Iran has no gays. They are missing out.
• I will send a man to Mars. It will be Rush Limbaugh, and it will be a one way trip
• I will make it legal to abort your children up to their 18th birthday, or 21st if you’re paying for their schooling and they’re still fucking up.
• Casual Fridays will include toplessness.
• Bloodhound Gang will be the official band of the U.S.
• I will invade China. Delicious Chinese food is expensive, this will lower the prices dramatically.
• I will move the White House to Phoenix. Fuck winter.

• I will legalize all porn featuring performers at least 18 years of age. No more stupid obscenity trials. If you wanna see a midget getting double fisted by Hulk Hogan while a Japanese schoolgirl pukes on her, that’s your business.

This outlines my plans for the United States. I have no doubt you’ll vote for me.

Thank you and god bless.

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