The Vagina Whisperer

I have a skill, one I haven’t talked about openly before. I can heal vaginas using only my words.

Let me give you an example. Earlier this evening my dear friend called me, lets call her Jane. Jane used to live here in PHX, but now resides in the Northeast. As we talked she told me that she has been menstruating for nearly a month. This isn’t uncommon for Jane, as her body is always giving her shit. As she continued on her mind-numbing PMS induced rant I stopped her. I said “Jane, put the phone to your vagina” She asked if she could put the phone on speaker, I agreed. When she gave me the ok I spoke directly to her vagina. I said in a firm voice “Vagina, stop that. Stop that right now. NO! Bad Vagina! You hear me? STOP!” Her period will be gone by the morning, guaranteed.
My skills are not limited to stopping runaway periods either. I can cure a yeast infection, I can clean a vagina out better than a summers eve douche using only words, I am the inspiration for the morning after pill, and I can cure a woman’s inability to orgasm with one word.

I am to pussy what Cesar Millian is to dogs.

I have kept this gift a secret for a very long time. I’ve feared the flood of women who would seek my help. Even before I went public with this the people at Summer’s Eve tried to have me killed. They want to stay the number one douches in the world.
But I couldn’t keep this a secret any longer, I have a gift, and the world needs to know.

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I’m Going To Quit Smoking

I’m 28 years old and I have smoked regularly for about 11 years. Truth is, I hate smoking, but I’m hopelessly addicted to nicotine. I’ve tried to quit a few times in the past. I’ve tried the gum, the patch, and quitting cold turkey. I was most successful with the gum, quitting for a few months. But I always felt that craving and as soon as I got overly stressed, or became depressed I went back to cigarettes. It’s strange considering that I really do hate smoking. I hate the way cigarettes make my clothes smell, make my apartment smell, make my breath smell. Lately it’s gotten worse for me as I’ve really been feeling the effects of smoking. I’m starting to develop ’smokers cough’, I cough a lot in the mornings, and I’m sick of it.
Since I’ve tried so many ways to quit and failed, I’m taking a new approach. I’m quitting smoking, but not nicotine (yet). The other day I bought a tin of ‘Skoal Pouches’ which is basically dipping tobacco in a little tea bag. You put the pouch in your lip instead of the loose tobacco. They’re not bad, and when I’m using them I don’t crave cigarettes. The downsides are of course the spitting, you can’t swallow this shit or you’ll get sick, and it’s inconvenient and unattractive to be spitting all the time. The other negative is the health risks.
So while researching smokeless tobacco I learned about Snus (pronounced Snoose). It intrigued me. You can read the article for all the details, but here’s what I liked about snus.

• It’s spitless – As I said, I hate the spitting
• It comes in pouches – I simply can’t get a pinch of loose tobacco into my mouth
• It’s safer – I realize no tobacco is risk free, but it’s a lot safer than the processed treated tobacco I get now
• It’s cheap – I’m poor, good match

• It’s long lasting – Lots of users report one pouch lasting them close to two hours, compared to the 20 or so minutes the dip I’m using now.

So tonight I purchased ten tins of snus from Sweden. I chose ten different brands from really cheap (~$2/tin) to the most expensive (~$3.80/tin) in a variety of flavors. The best part is that even with international shipping it still cost me about $20 less than buying ten tins of american dip at the store.
I’ll keep you updated on how I like them.

So while I haven’t quit tobacco, I am quitting smoking, and cutting the health risks associated with it by a lot.

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Outrageous!

I guess I’m a little behind in the news, but I just learned that Max Hardcore was convicted on obscenity charges in Jun.
Now listen, I like to watch porn sometimes, I’m a normal guy. I’m not a fan of Max Hardcore movies, He gets pretty extreme in them. Seeing a chick choking on a cock and puking are not my thing. So you know what I do? I don’t watch his movies! Crazy right?
That being said, I’m outraged over his conviction. I’m outraged that a group of conservative Christians (retarded people) were able to get the Bush administration to create a group at the DOJ to go after adults producing films with consenting adults, made to be viewed by consenting adults.
I find it obscene that we have obscenity laws on the books in the first place. The community has no right to force it’s views on what is and is not acceptable to view by members of said community in the privacy of their own homes.
We have so many problems facing our country, and we waste our resources on charging & convicting adult pornographers? That’s fucking senseless.
People sometimes ask me why I’m so anti-religion (specifically Christianity), well shit like this is why. I’m sick of retards enforcing their hypocritical, uninformed opinions and morals on me and the rest of society.
Because I’m spiteful, and because I lack the conviction to take on these retards in any meaningful way, I’ve decided I’m going to write a hardcore porn. This porn will be called “Jesus: The Porn” and it will detail the life of Jesus starting with God and an angel double-teaming the “Virgin” Mary and end with Jesus getting blown by a dude while on the cross, with lots more good porn in between. I will then sell this script to a porn producer with the balls to make it. I will then giggle my crippled ass off at the outrage it creates while I cash royalty checks on it.

Suck on that, retards.

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