WARNING: STUPID EMOTIONAL CONTENT INSIDE

I truly hate writing shit like this, but holding it all inside has not helped me at all.

I’m depressed, I have been for a while. I just feel like I can’t win. I’m lonely. I haven’t so much as been on a date in nearly 2 years. I go out, I meet girls, we can flirt, but at the end of the day I’m always just “A great guy”. I’m the friend to her, the “brother” she never had, etc… but never more. I’m never the crush (do people still crush?), I’m never the friend with benefits, never the hookup, and certainly never the person she loves. This happens to me all the time, and I’m just so tired of it.

I’ve had two serious relationships in my life. Both girls said they loved me. I truly believe girl #1 loved me. I’m not so sure about girl #2. I met girl # 1 before I moved to AZ. She was very upset when I told her I was moving. I asked her to come with me, but she wasn’t ready to make such a drastic move, and after the move we lost contact. 4 or 5 years ago we spoke for the first time in years and at some point she said something along the lines of “if you asked me now to move out there and marry you I would”. I don’t know how serious she was, if she was at all; but I said nothing. She’s married now and has a child. I’m really happy for her.
Girl #2…that relationship fucked me up and I don’t think we’ll talk again, and I’m very ok with that.
But here I am now…I’m lonely, very lonely. I have family & friends who love and care for me very much, and I appreciate it so much, but the love they give me is not the love that I need.

I think if I just went out and got laid it could alleviate at least some of this, but then we go back to the fact that I’m always just the friend. As much as people will try to tell me differently I know that my disability plays a large role in this. Girls in general can’t see past it. I hate this fact, but I accept it.
I thought I could pull some money together and see a hooker, but that would just make me feel worse in the end because she would just see me as a customer, and I would be out of money that I need. Right now I need more. I just need more than what I have, but I can’t get it. This just makes me more depressed. I just can’t win.

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