WARNING: STUPID EMOTIONAL CONTENT INSIDE
March 11, 2009
I truly hate writing shit like this, but holding it all inside has not helped me at all.
I’m depressed, I have been for a while. I just feel like I can’t win. I’m lonely. I haven’t so much as been on a date in nearly 2 years. I go out, I meet girls, we can flirt, but at the end of the day I’m always just “A great guy”. I’m the friend to her, the “brother” she never had, etc… but never more. I’m never the crush (do people still crush?), I’m never the friend with benefits, never the hookup, and certainly never the person she loves. This happens to me all the time, and I’m just so tired of it.
I’ve had two serious relationships in my life. Both girls said they loved me. I truly believe girl #1 loved me. I’m not so sure about girl #2. I met girl # 1 before I moved to AZ. She was very upset when I told her I was moving. I asked her to come with me, but she wasn’t ready to make such a drastic move, and after the move we lost contact. 4 or 5 years ago we spoke for the first time in years and at some point she said something along the lines of “if you asked me now to move out there and marry you I would”. I don’t know how serious she was, if she was at all; but I said nothing. She’s married now and has a child. I’m really happy for her.
Girl #2…that relationship fucked me up and I don’t think we’ll talk again, and I’m very ok with that.
But here I am now…I’m lonely, very lonely. I have family & friends who love and care for me very much, and I appreciate it so much, but the love they give me is not the love that I need.
I think if I just went out and got laid it could alleviate at least some of this, but then we go back to the fact that I’m always just the friend. As much as people will try to tell me differently I know that my disability plays a large role in this. Girls in general can’t see past it. I hate this fact, but I accept it.
I thought I could pull some money together and see a hooker, but that would just make me feel worse in the end because she would just see me as a customer, and I would be out of money that I need. Right now I need more. I just need more than what I have, but I can’t get it. This just makes me more depressed. I just can’t win.
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Entry Filed under: Cripple stuff, Life, Rants. Tags: brother, depressed, flirt, friend, hookup, lonely, love, lover, sex, tired.
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1. Wuv, Sweet Wuv | Marina Rose Martinez | March 11, 2009 at 8:28 pm
[...] By marinaAdd commentsUncategorized I’m writing, not so much as a response to, but a riff on No Arms James’ recent blog about being single, and longing for a relationship. The following is want his blog [...]
2.
Marina | March 11, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I started posting a comment, and it turned into a rant. If you’d like to read it, here’s the link: http://www.marinarosemartinez.com/?p=36
3.
Adina | March 11, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Craiglist, baby, Craigslist! No need to pay anyone! Casual encounters have gotten more than a few people I know through some dry spells.
4.
Jameira | March 12, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I’m sorry to hear this James. I don’t even know what to say but I just wanted to acknowledge that I read this and feel for you. On the flip side we are going to have so much fun in NY. Who knows you may end up being the next person to move here and there will be tons of ass to choose from and maybe better opportunities for some kind of work.
5.
jojoface | March 17, 2009 at 3:25 pm
aww, james, i’m so sorry to hear you’re depressed… i know its not the same, but you know you always have good friends that truly love you and appreciate you. your true love will find you when you least expect it. don’t worry, it still does happen. you can have a fairy tale ending too you know…
*big hugs*
6.
Yoav | March 18, 2009 at 3:54 am
I think the only way to get out a rut, especially where you feel deadlocked, is to accept it. Change your perspective, perception and fit the rut into your life plan. In other words, if you feel like you can’t change something, change the way you look at it. The positive energy you’ll give out will end up working in your favour.
7.
Steph | April 2, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I think Adina is referring to me when she says Craigslist… it definitely worked tho. I’m sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Loneliness sucks, dude.
8.
Draconis | April 27, 2009 at 9:44 am
You won’t be alone forever. It may not help, thinking of that right now, when you are lonely, but there are people out there for everyone, and you’ll find one for you. [=
<3
9.
Gary Clarke | June 2, 2009 at 6:07 pm
James you ok man. Im just reading this now. You sound so fked up.. you need to be back out on the sandbar where you belong boyyyy cmon..talk to me man its been awhile..ill always remember the 4 CCCC days man with our group that ruled the cafe and like all the tables down there
write me James and tell Hunt i said hi