Neanderthal Boogie

Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and I had just gotten into the hot tub. Jessica Alba thought it might be a good idea if we had a contest to see who the best kisser was. She leaned in to kiss me, I closed my eyes as we move closer and… BANG BANG BANG! I was jolted awake; it was 9:30 AM and that banging scared the shit out of me, but what was it? BANG BANG BANG again, someone at my door. Then I hear a key slipping in the keyhole and turning. Now I’m freaking out. “Hello James, it’s Paul from maintenance”. I’m no longer freaked out, Paul is a nice guy, and brings any notices from the management into my apartment, instead of just leaving it on the door. He has a woman with him, the new apartment manager. He informs me that on Friday the entire building is being fogged for bugs. “But I don’t have bugs” I told him smugly, obviously I just won this little encounter. Then the new manager stepped in; “yes, but if we fog every apartment except yours then all the bugs will just make their way in here.” Well played manager lady, well played. So I begin to ask some questions such as; how long will I have to be out of the apartment for? Will it affect my electronics? Can you hold off until the afternoon so that my attendant can get me in my chair and outside?
These seem like coherent, intelligent questions to me, but apparently not to manager lady. She asks me if I have a “social worker” she can talk to so that they can explain these things to me. It took everything I had not to spit in her face and call her a dirty fucking whore for that comment. I maintain my composure and explain to her that I will explain everything to my attendant and the apartment will be ready on Friday. They leave, I calmed down and read through the list I was given of things to do to prepare the apartment for fogging. The day progresses, my attendant has arrived, I’m calm everything is good. I have my daily shower, I’m in my bedroom, not dressed yet, hair still wet, fucking sexy as hell. My attendant is getting my clothes when BANG BANG BANG at the door again. What the fuck? My attendant goes to the door and answers. It’s Paul again. I don’t go out there because I’m naked but I hear everything. Manager lady has sent Paul to ask my attendant how to get in touch with my social worker, so that they can make sure I understand what’s going on. Are you fucking kidding me? I was fuming, I almost rolled out there butt ass naked to tell this guy what is up. My attendant attempts to explain that I am competent, and that there is no social worker, or anyone else. I handle my own affairs. So he says okay. I was furious for the rest of the day and into the night. If I had gone down there right then, I would probably have been evicted for calling her a cunt and spitting in her face. Today my other attendant was here, she’s a very timid, soft-spoken woman. She spent a good part of the day getting the apartment ready for tomorrow’s fogging. At one point she went to go check my mail, which happens to be right next to the manager’s office. Manager lady approaches her and asks again for my social worker. I told earlier in the day what happened the day before and how angry it made me, she completely understood. So my timid attendant explains to manager lady how angry I was about this, that there is nothing wrong with my mind, and that it is rude for her to assume that because I have a physical disability, I also have a mental disability, and that she needs to stop stereotyping me. Manager lady says that she senses I was angry and she feels bad about that. Before the conversation ends though, she asks one more time if there’s someone she can call to make sure that I understand what is going on… My attendant, is now just as angry as I am, and is seriously wondering if perhaps manager lady needs a social worker of her own.

The stereotype of every disabled person having a mental disability as well has always bothered me. It’s silly, old world thinking, and if you believe it then you are just an ignorant fuck, and you deserve to be ass raped by a tiger.
Usually when confronted with someone who assumes that I’m a retard, I just set them straight and can quickly laugh it off. This time though, being insulted like that in my own home has really angered me, and beyond anger it hurt me. I don’t know why I’m so much more bothered by this incident, but I am. I don’t know how I’ll deal with this lady the next time I see her; I can’t just put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay, and I can’t let my anger take control because if I do and I cross the line I could be evicted. Normally, finding the middle ground is easy for me but not this time. Any suggestions?

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Poor People

Why is it that so many poor people are so lacking in any form of class? I am poor, so please don’t think I’m looking down on low-income people. In fact there are times when I lack class. Usually while drunk, sometimes while writing blog posts.

Today I was on my way to Walgreens to get some food for my cat. On the way I passed my old apartment complex, which was converted in to condos two years ago. During the renovation they put a waterfall type fountain thing on the wall facing the street. So today I see a large (read fat) woman, in clean clothes, no big bag or grocery cart so I don’t think she’s homeless, and she is rinsing her hair in the waterfall fountain. Her big butt hanging out of her pants facing me and the big main road I live on…ugh.
I was both angry and embarrassed.
A few more recent experiences to illustrate my point.

I was waiting for the bus one day, the stop I was at is in front of a thrift store. Some guy comes out of the store with some socks. He sits down at the stop, takes off the socks he’s wearing and throws them on the sidewalk, puts on the new socks, tosses the bag down and walks off.

There’s a guy in my complex who I’ve seen pissing on the side of the building a few times.

There’s another guy here who walks around all day asking for money. Yet somehow he’s got a car.

I could go on and on. I just don’t get it. You can be totally poor, and still have class and dignity. I’m starting to understand why the middle and upper classes tend to look down on the poor. Why should they respect us if we don’t respect ourselves?

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I’m Deep Or Something

So if you read my last post you’ll remember that I was having some computer problems. Well, I couldn’t fix them, and had to format my computer, install a fresh copy of linux. Now I know what went wrong, and how to avoid it in the future. It was a pain in the ass, but I’m over it. I was angry for a little while that I couldn’t make it work, but that anger is gone now.
Now I have my music back.
As I was sitting here listening to music I started thinking, which as you may know isn’t always a good thing. Tonight though is different. There’s a certain someone from my past. The relationship with that person is broken, and it can’t be fixed. I’ve been angry that I can’t fix this, and that it just can’t be made to work again. I’ve been angry for something like a year and a half about this. I haven’t seen, spoken or been involved in her life in the same amount of time (except for a few angry drunk texts from me which I’m pretty ashamed of).
I realized after my ordeal last night (yes, I know I’m a nerd) that I don’t need to be angry anymore. I can look back at the mistakes that were made so I don’t make them again, but it’s time to move forward.
Once I realized this it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders (I <3 cheesy clichés!). I’m not angry anymore. I can finally move forward without looking back. This metaphor worked a little better before I put words to it, but I think it still works.
I’m certain she has no idea this blog exists, but just in case she ever comes across it…I wish you all the best in your life. Thank you for the good times, thank you for getting me to open up. Thank you for making me smile so much. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made and I forgive you for the mistakes you made. I hope you achieve every dream you ever have. Goodbye.

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I Am Nothing Like Nick Vujicic

In the last year or so I have received the same forwarded email from at least three people. The email is about Nick Vujicic, the Australian evangelist born with no arms and no legs. Each sender tells me how similar we are, how we should meet, etc…

There are a few similarities. We both have the same disability with the same lack of scientific reason behind it.

Nick

NoArmsJames

That’s where the similarities end.

I have nothing against Nick personally, he seems like a nice guy. I do however have a problem with just about everything Nick does.

From his ministry web page:

It is a great privilege to welcome you to the Life Without Limbs.org website. My name is Nick Vujicic and I’m 25 years old. I was born without arms or legs and given no medical reason for this condition. Faced with countless challenges and obstacles, God has given me the strength to surmount what others might call impossible. Along with that, the Lord has placed within me an unquenchable passion to share this same hope and genuine love that I’ve personally experienced with more than two million people all over the globe.

I’ve already gone into this a little in my inspiration post. The strength he talks about doesn’t come from the invisible man in the sky, it comes from him. It’s his determination that got him over the obstacles he’s faced. That strength is within him, it’s not coming from somewhere else.

God has used me to let people know in countless schools, churches, prisons, orphanages, hospitals, stadiums and in face-to-face encounters with individuals how very precious they are to God. Secondly, it’s my pleasure to assure them that God does have a plan for their lives that is purposeful. For God took my life, one that others might disregard as having any significance and filled me with His purpose and showed me His plans to move hearts and lives toward Him. Understanding this, though faced with struggles, you can overcome too.

This is another major problem for me, the proselytizing. His whole deal is that if you’re in a shitty situation in life, you can fix it, but first you have to submit to gods will accept god as your lord and savior, or else your life has no purpose and you will rot in hell for all eternity, that’s how much god loves you. I get angry every time I hear something like this. Listen, you can have a wonderful, purposeful and moral life and be an Atheist, agnostic, or any other non-christian. All the tools are within you. You just have to dig deep to find them. It really bothers me that Nick uses his disability to trick poor people convert people to his way of thinking. In a way it’s a modern day freak show, with the added threat of eternal damnation if you don’t go see the attraction.

Trust me people, there is nothing miraculous about Nick. He’s a normal person with some unique circumstances. All of that strength comes from him and nowhere else. Look within when you need strength, not the sky, the results will be amazing.

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