An Open Letter to All Hussein’s

Dear all liberals with a middle name Hussein on the Internet,
In the months leading up to the presidential election I noticed a new trend on Facebook and MySpace; people changing their middle names to Hussein. Everyone was doing it. My neighbor did it, my family did it, my cat did it, Hillary Clinton did it, hell, even John McCain did it. I liked this trend; it showed solidarity with Barack Obama, and was a big middle finger in the face of all those who are ignorant enough to believe that a middle name makes a man.

Now please change your middle names back.

The election is over, Barack Obama has won. Don’t get me wrong I love Barack Obama, I proudly voted for him. I think he’s the change country needs. If, before election day Barack Obama called me and said “James, we’re doing well but I can’t win this election unless I have sex with you” guess what? I’d be fucking Barack Obama. I’m not gay but I’d do it proudly. I’d do it for me, I’d do it for you, I’d do it for America. But it’s over now and we’ve won. We elected the first black president. We’ve shown the world that when necessary we can look past the color of one’s skin to see the person inside, and most importantly my ass is still virginal.
Now it’s just getting a annoying. Everyone’s middle name is Hussein. Now that he is President-elect the point is moot and you’re no longer making a point.

In 2000 and 2004 Republicans gloated at their big wins. They belittled liberals on every mailing list, forum, chat room, etc… And we just wanted them to shut up but it went on and on and on. For eight fucking years we’ve listened to it. Well now we’re doing the same thing. We’re better than that. We don’t need to rub it in their faces every chance we get because we’re not immature ignorant people. We’re smart; we know the difference between loose and lose, there, their, and they’re, and you’re and your.
So let’s quit while we’re ahead. Let’s let Obama’s actions in office do our gloating for us.

Sincerely,
NoArmsJames

PS if your middle name is actually Hussein, disregard this letter.

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NoArmsJames For President!

First, I’d like to congratulate Barack Obama on officially being the Democratic Candidate for President of the United States. This is truly an historic day, as the first African American is in serious contention for the highest office in the land.

I’m writing today to officially announce my candidacy for President Of The United States…in 2016.

I feel that since I don’t have any “political experience” or “millions of dollars” the time to get started is now. I may not “know what’s best” for this country, or have your “best interests” at heart but I’ll make a damn fine President. Let me outline some of my policies below.

• The more money you make, the higher your taxes will be. The wealthy are too greedy. The poor need help. ’nuff said
• I will increase money to fund domestic social services to help those who really need it. At the same time I will increase investigations into fakers and fraudsters. Being fat will no longer be considered a disability.
• Evolution will be the only thing kids learn in school. No “Intelligent” Design, no Creationism.
• I will reduce the violence on TV, but increase the titties on TV.
• No sex scandals! I’m single, and probably will be once elected. Right now Brittney Spears gets a good idea more than I get laid. Once I’m President though, bitches will be lined up around the block. It’ll be a pussy buffet, and I’m hungry. By making you aware of this now, it won’t be a scandal when some barely legal pop star leaves the White House with a Russian Tattoo on her cheek.
• I will solve the Israel-Palestine issue in one meeting. I don’t know how just yet, but I will.
• I will legalize gay marriage.
• I will send gays to Iran. I was deeply saddened to learn that Iran has no gays. They are missing out.
• I will send a man to Mars. It will be Rush Limbaugh, and it will be a one way trip
• I will make it legal to abort your children up to their 18th birthday, or 21st if you’re paying for their schooling and they’re still fucking up.
• Casual Fridays will include toplessness.
• Bloodhound Gang will be the official band of the U.S.
• I will invade China. Delicious Chinese food is expensive, this will lower the prices dramatically.
• I will move the White House to Phoenix. Fuck winter.

• I will legalize all porn featuring performers at least 18 years of age. No more stupid obscenity trials. If you wanna see a midget getting double fisted by Hulk Hogan while a Japanese schoolgirl pukes on her, that’s your business.

This outlines my plans for the United States. I have no doubt you’ll vote for me.

Thank you and god bless.

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I Am Nothing Like Nick Vujicic

In the last year or so I have received the same forwarded email from at least three people. The email is about Nick Vujicic, the Australian evangelist born with no arms and no legs. Each sender tells me how similar we are, how we should meet, etc…

There are a few similarities. We both have the same disability with the same lack of scientific reason behind it.

Nick

NoArmsJames

That’s where the similarities end.

I have nothing against Nick personally, he seems like a nice guy. I do however have a problem with just about everything Nick does.

From his ministry web page:

It is a great privilege to welcome you to the Life Without Limbs.org website. My name is Nick Vujicic and I’m 25 years old. I was born without arms or legs and given no medical reason for this condition. Faced with countless challenges and obstacles, God has given me the strength to surmount what others might call impossible. Along with that, the Lord has placed within me an unquenchable passion to share this same hope and genuine love that I’ve personally experienced with more than two million people all over the globe.

I’ve already gone into this a little in my inspiration post. The strength he talks about doesn’t come from the invisible man in the sky, it comes from him. It’s his determination that got him over the obstacles he’s faced. That strength is within him, it’s not coming from somewhere else.

God has used me to let people know in countless schools, churches, prisons, orphanages, hospitals, stadiums and in face-to-face encounters with individuals how very precious they are to God. Secondly, it’s my pleasure to assure them that God does have a plan for their lives that is purposeful. For God took my life, one that others might disregard as having any significance and filled me with His purpose and showed me His plans to move hearts and lives toward Him. Understanding this, though faced with struggles, you can overcome too.

This is another major problem for me, the proselytizing. His whole deal is that if you’re in a shitty situation in life, you can fix it, but first you have to submit to gods will accept god as your lord and savior, or else your life has no purpose and you will rot in hell for all eternity, that’s how much god loves you. I get angry every time I hear something like this. Listen, you can have a wonderful, purposeful and moral life and be an Atheist, agnostic, or any other non-christian. All the tools are within you. You just have to dig deep to find them. It really bothers me that Nick uses his disability to trick poor people convert people to his way of thinking. In a way it’s a modern day freak show, with the added threat of eternal damnation if you don’t go see the attraction.

Trust me people, there is nothing miraculous about Nick. He’s a normal person with some unique circumstances. All of that strength comes from him and nowhere else. Look within when you need strength, not the sky, the results will be amazing.

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How I smoke (for Dina)

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There’s Something Not Right With You

I had no plans on going straight into college after High school. I hated school and after 12 years of it I wanted a break. All the adults around me felt differently though, and so under pressure I enrolled at…

Are You Inspired Yet?

You shouldn’t be.

People have told me I’m an inspiration before, and it seems like any time you see something on the news about cripples it’s some patronizing story about how inspiring gimpy mcgimp is. It’s bullshit.

I’m just living my life. I haven’t done anything particularly great to begin with, but for the sake of this post lets pretend I have. I’m just doing what you do. I want the same things you want.

Why is ot patronizing? It’s patronizing because by telling me that I’m inspiring for doing what I do you’ve basically just told me that I shouldn’t be doing the things you do, but somehow I’ve overcome everything and surpassed your extremely low expectations. Fuck you.

People also say if they were in my position, they couldn’t do it. Bullshit. You could be in my situation one of two ways.

1. Like me you were born this way

2. You were in an accident

If you were born this way you’d know no other way of life and you’d do what you do and get pissed every time you were called an inspiration.

If you were in an accident there would be an adjustment period, and most likely depression. But you’d come out of it, and when you did you’d move on with your life. That’s part of being human.

Disabled people aren’t really doing anything amazing, we’re just adapting to situations and circumstances, just like everyone else…It’s human nature. It’s not inspiring, it’s genetic.

Are all my faults inspirational too? I drink, I smoke, I swear, I’ve done drugs, I hate two people in this world and wish them nothing but misery, I’ve lied, I’ve stolen, I’ve cheated, I lust, i like meaningless sex, etc… I’m no different then most of you, and you sure as fuck aren’t inspiring.

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I Want To Get Punched

For some time now I’ve wanted to know what it’s like to be punched in the face.

Rules for dealing with cripples

In my 28 years of crippledness I’ve dealt with lots of people who all react differently to me, and probably a lot of other cripples they see. It can be quite frustrating, so I’m going to go over a few basics that you should follow when dealing with a cripple. Consider it cripple etiquette 101.